


A Fish Outta Water

by ooopo123



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Gen, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender Related, Genderqueer Character, Identity Issues, March Eridan, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Sad Eridan Ampora, Trans Character, Trans Eridan Ampora, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 18:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18474838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ooopo123/pseuds/ooopo123
Summary: He longed to be in control of every external thing, to make up for what he couldn’t internally.Realistically he knew that none of what he was doing would make up for the desert under his skin; for the grains of sand that ground up against his organs insistently, clogging up his airways. He loathed the flesh he wore, wished he could strip it off. It wasn’t his. It couldn’t be! It didn’t feel like it belonged to him.Worst of all, he hadn’t a clue why he felt like this.





	A Fish Outta Water

Eridan’s pupation out of ‘grub-hood’, one of the hazy first memories that still plagued his mind, had been a fairly odd experience for both his lusus and he. 

He had heard endless stories from his friends about their first pupations: of Terezi and Nepeta running around endlessly on wobbly feet like young hoof-beasts; of Equis discovering his absurd strength as he accidentally broke things left and right; of Karkat beginning his life-long career of screaming early on; of how Vriska’s first act... Was better left unsaid. 

They all had interesting stories to regale about their starts in their newly self conscious lease on life; all the while Eridan… Didn’t.

It’s not as if he _hadn’t_ hatched like everyone else, that was (probably) impossible! It’s just that his first few sweeps of life were more or less forgettable. At least, he wished they were. Full to the brim with discomfort; he ached to be able to change something, anything. Day in and day out he’d change near everything: what books he had where; which room he was in; his daily schedule; anything and everything he could change, he eventually _would_.

He longed to be in control of every external thing, to make up for what he couldn’t internally.

Realistically he knew that none of what he was doing would make up for the desert under his skin; for the grains of sand that ground up against his organs insistently, clogging up his airways. He loathed the flesh he wore, wished he could strip it off. _It wasn’t his._ It couldn’t be! It didn’t _feel_ like it belonged to him.

Worst of all, he hadn’t a clue why he felt like this.

-_-_-_-

Sometimes, just sometimes, he’d look at Feferi and feel the murky cold tinge of _need_ , of _want_ , seep its way through the lining of his stomach. Each time it arose he squashed it down, void of mercy.

At first he’d chalked it all up to her blood. Who hadn’t dreamed of being Fuschia, of usurping her Imperial Condescension, of being ruler of all Troll-kind for even just a single night? But he wasn’t Fuschia, he was Violet. An orphaner made to serve her every whim and fend for Gl’bgolyb, lusus of all of the Fushia caste and potential murderer of troll-kind as you know it rolled into one indescribable terror.

He was Eridan. Nothing more. Nothing different.

Initially he had turned a blind eye to the truth of the matter. Declined to think about what it meant when he looked at her clothing and wanted to hold it. Dismissed his desire for hair as long as hers. When he caught himself staring at her body for too long he forced his gaze away, repulsed and ashamed; she was his future empress for goodness sake!

Unfortunately this potentially red coloured phenomenon refused to be constrained to just his moirial, the one Troll who might understand. While it was bad enough that these unnamable feelings cropped up around Feferi, they started to do so around any other girl he found himself in the presence of.

His eye was drawn to the effortless swish of Aradia’s long skirt and luscious hair as she strolled. It was impossible for him to ignore Nepeta’s impeccable balance and agility, the way her feet practically danced. Kanaya’s cloth manifestations were beauty incarnate, her ability to warp fabric into dresses galore something he near instinctually urged to take for his own.

Hell, he saw Vriska and felt the Blackness within him deepen. For even he couldn’t deny her prowess for being so unabashedly herself no matter what obstacles came her way. She was so sure of herself it made him sick.

And it was with that he realised: he wasn’t red for them. Not exactly black or pale either.

He didn’t want to kiss them. To cradle them. To love them unconditionally.

He wanted to _be_ them.

_He wanted what they had._

-_-_-_-

Make-up and sea-dwellers didn’t mix; not even waterproofed make-up survives the test the Alternian Seas presented. While not well known, it was simply a fact of life for sea dwellers that spent their time under the ocean’s surface. 

Yet here Eridan was. GrubTube pulled up on his husktop and trying to follow the condescendingly easy tutorial on how to apply simple beauty products such as foundation, lipstick and eyeliner.

Blending the foundation down his neck brought a stinging sensation when it crawled under his gills; lipstick found its way past his lips, staining his teeth sweet violet; he’d given up part way through applying his eyeliner, finding himself poking his eye one too many times.

All in all, his experiment was a statistical disaster.

But even as he gazed at himself in the mirror, picking product away from the gills on his neck as best he could, it was hard to see this as failure. Sure, he wasn’t beautiful but the bags under his eyes seemed less noticeable; his lips and eyebrows looked fuller, and his skin didn’t appear quite so dull as it had been recently. He just looked… Better. 

He _wanted_ to look better.

He wanted to look like this _all the time._

-_-_-_-

Sea-dwellers, while tall for trolls once they hit Troll Puberty, are quite short and slim compared to the other castes before adolescence; they are a race built for an aquatic environment through and through. Because of this, there wasn’t much difference between Feferi’s body and Eridan’s own. 

Eridan planned to take full advantage of this fact; alongside his (tentative) friendship with one Kanaya Maryam.

Early on into his adventures into obtaining a more ‘feminine’ appearance, he’d tried his hand at tailoring his own clothing; it wasn’t too hard when there was a guide to follow. Unfortunately, like with all his past-times whether they be good or bad, he simply didn’t have the required time to put effort into them. He was on near constant call to feed the Fuchsia lusus:

Gl’bgolyb waited for _no one._

\-- caligulasAquarium[CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA] --

CA: kan

CA: kan i may require some help

GA: Are You Trying To Solicit Quadrant Interactions With Me Again

CA: no

CA: wwell i dont think so anywway

GA: Hmmm

GA: Go On Then

CA: i wwas hoping that youd be wwillin to make me somethin

GA: As In An Article Of Clothing?

CA: yes

GA: Well

GA: I Do Believe Thats Within My Power

GA: Do You Desire A Suit? Pants? A New Cape? Im Not So Sure That Id Be Helpful If Youre Seeking A New Scarf As Thats Not Where My Expertise Lays

CA: actually

CA: i wwas hoping for somethin more… girly?

GA: As In Feminine?

CA: yeah

GA: A Dress Or Skirt?

CA: yeah

GA: Do You Have A Preference?

CA: not really

GA: If That Is What You Wish But I Will Be Requiring Measurements

CA: huh

GA: I Require Measurements So That The Garment May Fit Eridan

CA: uh no no i get that

CA: i was just expectin more questionin

GA: Well, Its Not My Place To Pry As I Am Not Your Moirail That Would Be Feferis Job

CA: guess thats true

GA: ...

GA: While I May Not Be Your Moirail I Still Consider You My Friend Eridan And If You Need Help Or To Confide Something You may Not Feel Comfortable Revealing To Feferi I Am Happy To Be Of Service

GA: Within Reason Ofcourse

CA: thank you kan

CA: just... thanks

\-- caligulasAquarium[CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA] --

-_-_-_-

Kanaya’s most impressive skill had to be her sheer competence when it came to sewing and how she could make impeccable articles of clothings so quickly.

It hadn’t been long since Eridan had commissioned his friend, yet here he was: already reaping the rewards of their deal. Several skirts and a dress lay on his lounge plank, meticulously patted down to eliminate any possible wrinkles (He’d even toyed with the idea of getting out the iron he had stashed somewhere in his hive). But, honestly… Despite their beauty, he was almost afraid of putting the damn clothes _on._

So he re-read the note Kanaya sent with the package once again:

Ampora,  
I Do Hope That My Gift Has Found You Well While They May Not Fit Exactly As I Was Not Able To Tailor Them To You In Person I Hope They Are Adequate. If You Encounter Any Problems Please Send Them Back For Me To Edit Further  
Im Sure Youll Look Beautiful In Them Regardless  
Maryam  
P.S. As Payment I would Not Be Opposed To Receiving Photographs Of You Wearing The Clothes (Thats In A strictly Professional Sense So Please Dont Let Any Ridiculous Quadrant Related Notions Enter That Pan Of Yours)

Breathing deeply, Eridan set the note aside, finally ready to try on the newest additions to his closet.

It felt so foreign pulling on the skirts. They rested on his hips weirdly and rubbed against his legs in ways pants just _didn’t._ They were fun, though. Just like Aradia’s skirt, his swished back and forth at the slightest movement; fluttering as he hesitantly moved around the room, feeling as light-footed as Nepeta; looking at himself in his mirror he found he felt as beautiful as Feferi.

Swiftly he brought his hand up, mussing up his fringe, letting the coloured streak fall down into his eyes. His hair may not be long, but this was as close as he’d get…

Eridan smiled. Rocking his hips one last time, he watched the material belatedly follow the movement and his fringe sway slightly, before reaching for the next article of clothing. 

He felt nice.

He felt _beautiful._

-_-_-_-

Turns out, there wasn’t a lot of trolls that weren’t ‘normal’, Eridan would know. He’d looked high and low online. (Although, in retrospect, it was probably fear of being culled that kept anyone from explicitly speaking up about their inherent differences.)

Not that any of that helped Eridan.

He’d been sitting on his lounge plank for hours, his new dress occasionally catching on his feet as he re-adjusted himself, searching deep into forums and the like. Soon he’d have to get changed into more practical clothes in order to hunt lussi for Gl’bgolyb, but right that moment he had the time to metaphorically pull his hair out in frustration.

No matter how hard he looked he could barely find any mention of trolls who had qualms with themselves because they ‘didn’t feel right’ or spoke about how they felt as if they were in the wrong body or anything related to any of that. 

The closest he’d gotten was some moisturewave music streamer who’d refused to refer to themselves as anything other than ‘the moistess lmao’ whenever anyone asked what gender they were (Their stuff wasn’t half bad either, quite relaxing. Very chill.). 

Apart from that he’d had no luck, and that got him thinking. Were people like him even out there? And if so why weren’t they trying to find others like them?

Were they scared? Scared of being culled? If so did that mean what he was feeling was a mutation? A deformity? Would he be risking being culled if he tried reaching out? Would his high-blood status protect him?

Questions built up behind his breast bone. His heart ached as it filled up to bursting with anxiety, fear, frustration and paranoia. 

_What if Feferi found out?_

He cupped one hand over his mouth, the other over his gills. Suddenly, he felt quite sick.

With wide eyes Eridan stared at his husktop, the bright light seeming to shimmer mesmerizingly, as he remembered Kanaya’s words: he could go to her, it was likely she already knew what was wrong with him. Plus, it wasn’t as if she and Feferi spoke at all either. Kanaya would be safe. The safest option.

Apart from not saying anything at all.

Eridan continued to stare unblinkingly at the screen, letting the combined light and air sear his eyeballs. Moisturewave played on screen, the sounds floating lazily from the machine. The tempo picked up, becoming faster, harder. It seemed to reverberate in Eridan’s skull. A guitar entered the brewing mayhem; a soft tune becoming increasingly unbearable. Any words that might have been on screen swam, unrecognizable in their frenzied blur.

He blinked.

Eridan opened his eyes to darkness. His hand pressed firmly to the lid of his husktop. The gentle rhythm of the moisturewave song sang under his fingertips. Near serenic as it played in conjunction with the rolling sea outside his hive.

As soon as the song finally cut off Eridan grabbed his husktop, discarding it to the side, and just sat still for a while. The last traces of daytime faded away, letting night conquer Alternia’s skies; the time to hunt drew near. 

He needed to calm himself.

He needed to get ready.

-_-_-_-

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

GA: Have You Received My Package Yet Eridan?

GA: Eridan?

GA: Are You There?

\-- caligusAqarium [CA] is now an idle chum! --

GA: You Must Be Busy Please Contact Me At Your Earliest Convenience

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CA: sorry kan i wwas out huntin

GA: Hunting Like Nepeta?

GA: Oh My Apologies I forgot That You Were An Orphaner For A Moment There

CA: howw could you forget im literally the only thing betwween you and death vvia the vvast glub

GA: Well Excuse Me If Im Not Constantly Pondering My Demise Unlike Some People I could Name

GA: I Was Referring To You If You Werent Able To Guess As You Are The One Constantly Conspiring The Extinction Of All Land Dwelling Troll Kind

CA: … right 

CA: sorry kan

GA: Dont Fret 

GA: I Was Perhaps Overreacting And Concerned When You Didnt Reply Earlier

GA: I Had Forgotten You Had Other Duties To Attend To

GA: A Thoughtless Oversight On My Behalf

CA: kinda

GA: Indeed

GA: To Change The Subject May I Inquire Whether Youve Received The Clothing Yet?

CA: yeah i havve

CA: theyre beautiful kan

GA: Consider The Flattery Appreciated

GA: But I Must Ask Do They Actually Fit? Are There Any Altercations You Desire To Be Made? Also Have You Taken Pictures Of Them Yet?

CA: wwhoa 

CA: sloww dowwn

CA: they fit perfectly kan dont wworry theyre…

GA: Theyre?

GA: Have I Made A Mistake?

GA: You Didnt Specify Whether You Wanted A Skirt Dress Or Other Garment Type So I Decided To Go For Two Of The More Simplistic Types In Order To Give You Options But I May Have Been Mistaken In Doing So

GA: If So My Apologies And I Would Be More Than Happy To Make You Something Different

CA: no kan theyre fucking beautiful

CA: im just wworried about takin pictures in them

CA: wwhat if they dont look as good on me as they do by themselves

CA: wwhat if you showw others the photos like kar or sol... or fef

CA: wwould you do that?

GA: Not Without Your Express Permission No

GA: But Are You Seriously Worried About Not Looking Good In The Clothes?

GA: Isnt That A Little…

CA: vvain? 

CA: conceited? 

CA: narcissistic?

CA: all a the abovve?

CA: im already awware of wwhat it sounds like kan only god knowws howw many times ivve thought that all myself

GA: Are You…

GA: Are You Alright Eridan?

CA: im not really sure honestly

CA: i dont evven knoww wwhats wwrong

CA: wwell actually i think maybe i do

CA: … you said i could go to you if i couldnt go to fef right

GA: That Is Indeed A Thing That I Said Yes And I Still Stand By That 

GA: So Eridan: Whats Wrong

CA: havve you evver felt out a place in your own body by any chance?

GA: I Cant Say I Have 

GA: Do… You Feel Like That?

CA: yeah

CA: its kinda like everything I wear doesnt fit the wway i wwant it too

CA: my shoes are too big and my pants too tight and my shirt stretches in wways that are so fuckin uncomfortable i wwant to just tear it off

CA: its not evven just my clothes my skin feels so fuckin wrong too

CA: it itches kan and i fuckin hate it

GA: Your Skin? Is It An Infection?

CA: no i dont think so

CA: its more like feelin your body is wwrong more than bein sick

CA: like your clothes dont fit anymore

CA: like they nevver did in tha first place

GA: I… Hmm

GA: Honestly I Havent Ever Heard Of Such A Thing Like This Before

GA: Not That That Means No One Has Ever Experienced Such Feelings Before

GA: In Our Day And Age That Is More Than Likely Near Impossible

CA: bleak

GA: Ah That Was Wasnt It?

GA: What Im Trying To Say In The More Pessimistic Version Possible It Seems Is That I Believe Your Claims Eridan

GA: So Please Consider Your Secret Safe With Me

CA: you wwont tell anyone?

GA: Not A Soul

GA: I Promise You That

**Author's Note:**

> I would just like to say that I owe SeCrFiDr on this site my soul as they're the one who directed me to Sburbanite's _How To Format Persterlogs: A Satirical Guide_. I honest to God couldn't figure of the damned Homestuck skin.
> 
> Again thank you so much SeCrFiDr, I owe you at _least_ 2 goats and half a dozen chickens.


End file.
